the road ahead

I do hope I'm ready for this.

I thought I was ready till the onslaught of mother's day post started.. perhaps I should have stayed off social media and torture myself with all the things I thought I would be doing today... Or even things that might be soon a distant dream.

Tmr will hopefully shed some clarity on how life's gonna be changing in the years ahead.

Be strong and fight with you.

cornered. locked out. rained on.

So...

A series of unfortunate events made life rather annoying this evening...

Ended work late as usual... 11.15pm.

Got waylaid by a usual unpleasant conversation... +10 mins

Making me late by just a bit and Resulting in having to wait to catch the last train available... +7 mins

Train journey as usual +20 mins

Just missed the second last bus and had to wait for the last bus +16 mins

Last bus is always slow... +30 mins 

Got off the bus... 

While waiting at the traffic light, it started pouring so not only was it late, I was now soaking wet...

Side gate couldn't work cos it was now pass midnight so detour thru the main gate... +10 mins

Reached door finally. Tried to open it but it was unfortunately latched...

Called Ben five times, no one picked up... +10 mins

Booked a grab +2mins

Cab over to parents place +10 mins

Lift. Open gate. +5 mins

Shower +10 mins

And finally in bed again. 1.25am

Sigh... 

2020...

Some would think that life should get simpler to deal with as you age and have gone thru many moons of it.

These days, life is a constant struggle of trying to balance and manage the emotional needs of all those around while burying deeply your own needs and thoughts and surpressing feelings just so as not to complicate the equation any further then it already is.

That being said, life has not been cruel, I have been blessed with what I need to muddle through this meaningless existence. Experience gathered way beyond the average being. A person in my position should clearly be greatful for what I have achieved and not be struggling to hold it together, cutting ties and bonds so as not leave to much harm in the wake of my passing.

2019 has been a blackhole. With an overwhelming force hell-bent on swallowing me whole. Crushing my existence so that not even a glimmer of hope can escape. I've seen it too suck others into it's grasp.... Them succumbing to it's pull, no longer having the will to fight. The temptation is strong, to just give in and be gone, knowing that people might understand that it was just too much to try and survive 2020 burdened by the shackles I can't break.